With all the new animated movies being turned out of the Hollywood factory like so many cadium painted Chinese toys, one, that is me, has begun to see a trend forming in both the style and structure of most of these films. Though Pixar occasionally mixes it up, the majority of kids movies are starting to feel all pretty much the same. But we can’t let Hollywood stand alone in cashing in on this current phenom. No, I feel like I must share my speculations with our QuinnQuips readers, of whom there are few. For those of you unfamiliar with my stylings, know that this will involve quite a bit of reading. We shall begin…at the beginning.
First, come up with a clever name for your movie. It’ll be your real first selling point, so think hard. It doesn’t really have to do much with the movie outside of sticking with a general theme. My example will be alligator themed, so I’m whipping out the title, “Smile of a different Color” Kind of long, but if you can see it in big white letters that suddenly get chomped up revealing the credits, the movie has practically already made itself.
Second, characters. Your main character should probably be a mean tempered but lovable out of place thing. Like I said, alligators, and while I prefer Wally, this is neither about a foppish amphibian nor a cute cognizant robot. No…we’ll keep is simple. Al…Al E. Gator. He’ll be a little chubby…big eyes, and then we’ll exaggerate something. Maybe he’ll have a really big set of teeth, maybe we’ll go t’other way with it and lop off a big part of his tail. Now even got a reason for him to be so angry and bitter.
Next we need a dopey sidekick. He or she may actually be better, and generally if you follow the rule of three (the rule that more than three characters have an infinite amount of ways to react and treat each other) you should probably stick to more than just one. They are more often your comic relief. They don’t really need to talk, but if you’re going to make them talk, make them idiots. So ours can be stupid lizards. Multiple shapes, sizes and colors tend to appeal to kids, so we’ll make a fat short red one, a big strong green one, and a thing tall yellow one.
Now we need a bad guy. While classic Disney villians were sinister and often times even scary, kids these days want a neutral villain or even a goofy one. A disembodied AI who just wants things to work they way they should, or a silly rival out for the same thing as our hero. For this, I think we’ll go with a decrepit old snapping turtle got a nasty bit and an even nastier attitude. We’ll throw a couple of dumb turtle henchmen in with him to fill out the evil roster.
Then comes the story. We have our players and now we need our heart-wrenching story that really grabs onto those tear ducts and goes on a near millipede like tickle attack. It doesn’t really need to be complicated, it’s only for kids, we’re not looking for something like Memento Jr. How about Al eats meat, but when his home is destroyed by a developing suburb, he’s forced to move to a new swamp, where the alligators are all vegetarians. People will like that, it’ll make them feel good that he’s only eating grass. None of the super violent stuff, except slapstick. You can burn a critter alive if its for the sake of shtick.
So now we got Al trying to learn to be a veggie in a swamp, and he’s struggling, and now we bring in our old beligerent snapping turtle, and he’s thinkin this is the most unnatural thing that he ever done saw, so he has it in for our now lovable scaly buddy. Have some sort of betrayal where it seems Al ate on of the of the lizards, have everybody turn on him only to see him save the day 5 minutes later, dooming his crotchety foe to some sort of prolonged torture as a child’s ride and there you have it. A movie. Nearly in it’s entirety, save for one thing.
CRAZY DANCE PARTY!!!!!!!!!! Yea…they’re necessary. The movie can’t end until our cold blooded friend strikes a hot pose on the dance floor with all his new pals.
And there you have it, a simple movie, I made up in literally 10 minutes teaching you the core tenants of an animated kids movie. Hell, you can even through in some sort of femi girl alligator with some suggestive, but not overly sexist curves. It’s that easy friends. A film with some heart, some hilarity, and even a curious look at how some stubborn old southern folks need to accept the change that the new century has brought. Truly, a movie for all.
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